


I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

by LuckyDeathStar



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-01-29 10:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21408667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyDeathStar/pseuds/LuckyDeathStar
Summary: Mikey is not okay.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was hard to write. I don't own anything. Don't come after me.  
May add an 'alternate' ending later. I haven't decided yet.

Michelangelo was not okay. If he had to be honest with himself, he hadn't been okay for a very long time. He wasn't sure when it started, just that it had been like that for as long as he could remember. Sighing quietly as he heard his alarm go off, Mikey sat up in bed and reached for his alarm. He hadn't slept well the previous night. Turning the alarm off, Mikey stood up and sighed, rubbing the back of his head as he looked at his sheets, groaning softly to himself as he saw the bloodstains. Looking at his arms and legs, he noticed that his wrappings on his arms had come loose again. Carefully, Mikey took the sheets off and carried them to the laundry room, wanting to get them washed before his family saw.   


"MICHELANGELO!" Splinter's voice rang out from the dojo. "You are late!" Mikey closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to show his annoyance.   


"Coming, Sensei," Mikey said, rushing to the laundry room and starting the wash before grabbing his gear and going to the dojo where his brothers were sparring. Taking a deep breath, Mikey began to stretch, his muscles screaming at him as he listened to his brothers.   


"Excellent, Raphael. Donatello, your turn. Try to pin Leonardo." Splinter instructed as he walked around Mikey's brothers, watching their moves as the purple banded turtle circled his brother, trying to find an opening before moving his bo staff just right and tripping his brother.   


Mikey finished his stretches and moved to sit next to Raphael, who was grumbling to himself, watching the sparring match in front of them. "You're late," Raphael commented.   


"My alarm didn't go off as it should have. Then I woke up to a mess. Had to put sheets in the wash." Mikey commented, hoping his brother would assume he had had a wet dream as was natural for boys their age.   


"Michelangelo. You are to do backflips." Splinter's voice rang out, causing Mikey to jump and nod, standing up and moving over to an unoccupied area of the dojo. 

"How many, Sensei?" Mike asked, looking at his father.   


"Until I tell you to stop. You need to learn to be on time. You will never be more than sub-par if you can not show up on time!" Splinter snapped before turning his attention back to the two turtles sparring in front of him. Mikey sighed and nodded, starting to perform backflips, keeping count as he did, trying to distract himself from his body aching.   


Splinter had called the practice after Mikey had reached over 200 backflips. "Shower. All of you." Splinter instructed. "Then, chores." He said before bowing at them and leaving the room.   


Mikey groaned as he stopped and trudged his way to the showers, taking his time so that he could hopefully shower alone. What had been initially numerous shower stalls, the boys had torn down the stall walls down into one large communal shower to help accommodate their growing shells. Taking a deep breath, Mikey made his way to the shower and kept to himself, groaning softly as he stepped under the hot water, letting it soothe his aching muscles.   


"Yo. Earth to Mikey." Raph said, snapping his fingers in Mikey's face. "What the hell is wrong with you, shell-fer-brains?" Raph asked with a frown. "You're more of a space cadet than normal." He laughed.   


Mikey shrugged and didn't look at his brother as he carefully took the wraps off of his wrists. "Didn't sleep well," Mike commented as he carefully took the rest of his covers off and tossed them aside.   


"And you're the one who is usually the first to fall asleep and the hardest to wake." Raph laughed as he smacked Mikey upside the back of the head. "Set your alarm for earlier if you think you're not gonna be up in time." The red-banded brother said as he went back to his showerhead, laughing and talking with Leo and Donnie.   


Mikey watched them briefly as they continued to shower, splashing and hitting each other playfully before finishing up and heading out, leaving Mikey alone. "Nah. Don't ask why I couldn't sleep. It couldn't have been that important." Mikey sighed, grabbing the bar soap and rubbing the cuts along his arms and thighs roughly, gasping quietly as some of the newer ones came open again, blood seeping out and mixing with the soap bubbles.   


Shaking, Mikey pressed his arm against the wall before pressing his forehead against it, feeling emotion welling up inside of him and escaping down his cheeks in hot, thick rivers. Biting his lip to try and keep quiet, Mikey felt his body shake as he cried, sinking to the floor and letting the hot water cascade down his body and shell.   


"Geez. Wanna leave some hot water for the rest of us?" Raph snapped as he came in, grabbing an elbow pad that he had dropped earlier.   


Mikey stood up and took a deep breath, turning off the water shakily. Staring down at the ground, Mikey looked over at himself and made sure that there wasn't any blood to be seen before grabbing his towel and wrapping it around himself, making his way down the hallway to his room. Raph followed him and turned him around. "What the hell, Mike? No quips? No jokes?"   


"Leave me alone, Raph." Mikey said, his eyes full of hurt that he hoped his brother would see. Raph rolled his eyes and shoved by him, making his way to the kitchen. Taking a deep breath, Mikey went into his room, locking the door behind him before drying himself off and sinking to his knees in front of his bed. Reaching underneath, Mikey pulled out a small black box, opening it up and looking at the selection of blades inside. Taking a deep breath, Mikey chose one and picked it up, cleaning it gently with a wet wipe from the small pack inside of the box.   


Glancing at his door to make sure one of his brothers hadn't picked the lock and come in, Mikey pressed the blade deep into his thigh and gasped out as he felt the sharp edge break the skin. Repeating it more times than he could count, Mikey stopped when he started to feel woozy. Taking a deep breath, Mikey wiped the blade clean again then pressed the wet wipe against his new cuts. Shaking, Mikey turned around and pressed his back against the bed and closed his eyes, waiting for the swirling, floating feeling to stop.   


Once the feeling went away and Mikey felt as though he could move again, Mikey placed the box back under the bed and grabbed his roll of gauze and latex bandage, carefully wrapping his leg tightly. Caressing the wrap, Mikey took a deep breath and stood up carefully, going over to his art corner and looked for his premixed selection of paint. Looking at the mirror in front of him, Mikey carefully painted the bandages, making sure it blended in well with his skin. Once Mikey felt confident in his paint skills, he put everything away and unlocked his door, heading back to the bathroom to start his chore for the week, careful not to ruin his best work yet.   


*~*   


"P... Papa?" Mikey said gently, knocking lightly on his father's door after dinner.   


"Not now, Michelangelo. I need to prepare for my trip to visit the Daimyo." The rat said, pacing around his room as he prepared his bag. "I will be finished shortly, and I will come to you when I am done here." Splinter said, almost distractedly.   


Mikey nodded and took a deep breath. "O... oh okay," he said shakily. Turning around, Mikey looked around the lair. Raphael was lifting weights while Leo spotted him. Not seeing his purple-banded brother, Mikey headed towards the lab. "Hey, Don? Can I ask you something?" Mikey asked him, fingering the bandage on his wrist.   


"Whatever you broke, Mikey, just leave it on the table. These tests I'm running are on a time restraint, and I can't stop them just yet." Donatello told his brother, only paying half attention to his only younger brother.   


"Nothing's broken, Don. I just ... I have a question. Would a cut from a heated blade be better or worse than a cold blade?" Mikey asked, hoping it would make Don wonder why he was asking such a question.   


"Well, depending on how hot we are talking, a heated blade might not do much damage. After a certain point, it just bends and doesn't have much in terms of a sharp edge anymore. Why do you ask?" Donnie asked his brother, looking over at him, confused. "Have you been playing with warm knives for chopping veggies again?" he asked.   


"What? No. Just curious. Online didn't have much in terms of answers. I thought it would just. I don't know. Cauterize the wound or something." Mikey said, realizing that his brother wasn't paying attention to him again. Donnie didn't respond until after Mikey had left.   


"Cauterizing the wound is technically worse than letting it air dry," Donnie commented, looking up and seeing that Mikey was already gone. "Oh. Um. Okay, then." Donnie said, raising an eye ridge. Mikey wandered around the lair before heading to Leonardo, who was sitting on the couch watching the news with Raph.   


"We have to do something about Mikey." Raph started, not seeing Mikey behind them. "He's becoming a liability to the team. We nearly got clobbered the last time we went against the Foot." Raph told his brother.   


Leonardo nodded. "He's usually good in a fight if a bit distracted." He agreed as he looked over at his red-banded brother.   


"I mean, Shell-fer-brains is the 'Battle Nexus champion,' don't you know." Raph mocked, rolling his eyes. "How many times does he have to tell us that? Even after the rematch with Kluh?"   


"That really isn't fair, Raph. I mean, yes, he did win the first time on a technicality, but that rematch with Kluh, he held his own despite Kluh's father trying to intervene." Leonardo said. "I have never seen Mikey fight so well."   


"Yea, but you had to retrain him right before that practically," Raph commented. "But something is going on, and he's going to get himself killed."   


Mikey shook and went to his room, shaking as he looked for his notebook. Sitting on his bed, Mikey quickly wrote his feelings out before looking up at the ceiling. Seeing the pipe above his bed, Mikey knew what he had to do.   


*~*   


"Hey, Mike? Time for pat- Oh my God, MIKEY!" Raph said, rushing into his brothers' room as he saw his orange-banded brother hanging from the pipe in the ceiling. "DAD! LEO!!!! DONNIE!!!!” Raph screamed out, trying to get Mikey's body down. "Mikey, please, please, don't be gone. Please." He begged as he used his sai to cut Michelangelo's mask off of the pipe. "Mikey, please...." Raph said, tears coming to his eyes as his family rushed into the room.   


"What happened- Oh, God," Leo said, rushing to Raph, who was cradling their baby brother in his arms. "What's going on?"   


"I came in to get him for patrol... he- he was hanging …" Raph said shakily, not even noticing the tears streaming down his face.   


Donnie came over and pressed his fingers to Mikey's neck gently, shaking his head as he didn't feel a pulse. "Wh... why would he do this?" Donnie said, sinking to the floor, his body shaking in grief.   


Splinter felt his body weaken as he sat onto the floor, staring at his child. Moving over to him shakily, Splinter pressed a paw to Mikey's head, trying to sense him. "H.. He's gone. His soul isn't… isn't in there." He whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. "He... he wanted to talk to me … "Splinter said softly, wondering if he had taken the time to speak with his son if this could have been avoided.   


"He was … he was asking me about cutting things with bla...blades," Donnie said, noticing the scars and cuts on Mikey's arms and legs, going wide-eyed as he saw the fresh blood on his right arm. "Wh.. What does that say?" Donnie asked, realizing that there was something written on his arm.   


Leo came over and carefully wiped Mikey's arm clean. "It.... it says 'Goodbye.'" He said, shaking and resting his head against Mikey's cold one as grief washed over him. "I just … I just dismissed his accomplishments …." Leo said, pulling up and looking at Raphael, who looked like a shell of his former self.   


"I.. I called him a liability...." Raphael said, shaking.   


"There's something on his bed." Splinter commented from where he was sitting. Donnie looked over and grabbed the note there, taking a deep, shuddering breath as he read it over.   


_ goodbye. no longer will I be a liability. no longer will I brag about winning the battle nexus championship. no longer will I break unimportant things. no longer will I be a sub-par ninja or brother or son. _   


The four living members of the Hamato clan looked at each other in shock and despair as they realized the severity of their actions and the consequences of it.   



	2. Chapter 2

It took a week for the turtles to gather their friends and family to lay Michelangelo to rest. Casey offered his family’s farm, knowing that the orange banded turtle loved how freeing it could be to wander in daylight. The Daimyo sat to the side of the group, almost too large to sit in the audience. Usagi sat next to Leonardo, rubbing his back in comfort. 

April held on to Klunk. She didn’t feel it was right to leave the cat when they were having the ceremony. The bright orange cat tried to wake Mikey, lying nearby on the table surrounded by family and friends. April watched the cat curiously, tears in her eyes as the cat tried in vain to wake her favorite turtle. Holding on to the cat was the only thing that was keeping herself from being a complete mess. 

Everyone took turns talking about Mikey’s accomplishments. The Daimyo spoke at great lengths how Mikey had won the Battle Nexus Championship. Leonardo had discussed how he had always envied Mikey’s ability to pick up a new skill with ease. 

Donnie talked about how even if he wasn’t sure what was going on, Mikey was always there to act as a sounding board to help him with his projects. Even if he had been the reason for the project in the first place. 

Raphael could barely hold it together as he talked about Mikey, barely being comprehensible as he gushed about his best friend and how proud he was that Mikey had won the Battle Nexus. 

“Oh. So NOW you can talk about how great he is. Too bad, he didn’t know that when he was alive.” Came a voice from the back of the group. 

“Renet!” A chorus of voices called as three turtles ran up to her. “Can you ... can we change this?” Raphael asked, his voice hoarse from crying.

Renet glared at the hothead. “And why should I? So you can forget him again?” She snapped at him. “None of you knew he was hurting! None of you knew that your words broke him every time he heard them!” She said, heading to the front of the group with purpose. 

Renet took a deep breath as she looked at everyone. “Sit. Down.” She told the three remaining turtles. “Michelangelo asked me to do something... before he followed through.” She started, only to be interrupted 

“You saw him? Why didn’t you stop him?” Leo asked shakily. “Why couldn’t you stop him?” Leo asked, angry at the Lady of Time. 

“Because he asked me not to,” Renet told them simply. “That it wasn’t my place to stop him. And honestly, he’s right. Lord Simultaneous has told me time and time and time again that we’re not to meddle in affairs like this.” She told them, shaking slightly. “Besides, if I went to you and told you he was going to do this, would you have believed me?” She asked, looking at the turtles and their father. 

“Probably not. Mikey was always a bright, cheerful turtle. No one would suspect he felt anything but happy,” Donnie started, frowning slightly. “And when he was unhappy, he wasn’t for long.” 

“Because he knew none of you cared if he was unhappy,” Renet told them plainly. “He didn’t think any of you cared about anything he did.” She said, crossing her arms and looking at them. 

“Of course, we cared about him,” Raph said, frowning. “He’s our baby brother.”

Renet grabbed her scepter and waved it, showing an opening. The audience watched curiously as slideshow of sorts of Raphael smacking Mikey upside the back of the head and insulting him was shown. “That doesn’t look like caring about him.” Renet told them before switching to a similar one of Donnie, of him rolling his eyes at something “dumb,” Mikey had said, or ushering him away when it was evident to those watching that Mikey just wanted to talk. 

Red and Purple looked at each other in shock and guilt before looking at the screen again. The new images were a mix of Splinter and Leo berating Mikey for not being good enough, fast enough, smart enough to be a good ninja. Splinter, telling Mikey that he wouldn’t be as bright as Donnie, as strong as Raph, as stealthy as Leo.

Splinter looked at his son in front of the audience, the sunlight filtering through the trees above just right. How could he have missed the signs his child was unhappy? 

Leo looked shocked as he watched the screen. All he had wanted was to encourage his brother to be better. He knew his brother had the potential; he just needed to set his mind to it. 

Renet closed the screen and looked at the Hamato clan. “Raphael. If Mikey had come to you to ask you to stop calling him ‘Shell-fer-brains’ because it made him upset, would you have stopped?” She asked, her tone hinting that she had looked at that timeline and knew the answer.

“I... of course I would. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him on purpose....” Raphael said, frowning as he gripped Donnie’s hand. “He never said anything, he just ....”

“He’d go quiet...” Donnie said, looking at Raph as realization fell upon them. “Then he’d act like nothing was wrong ...”

“His victory at the battle nexus ... yes, the Daimyo’s dimension had a celebration, but did any of YOU tell him you were proud of him?” Renet asked with a glare. The turtles and rat looked at each other before realizing they hadn’t. 

“He wouldn’t shut up about it!” Raph said. 

“Oh, like you wouldn’t have gloated too if you had won,” April commented, looking at them. “I didn’t help either ... telling him not to break my things...” she sighed. 

Renet nodded. “That cat was his only true friend...” she said, showing the screen again, showing Mikey standing behind Leo and Raph as Raph called him a liability, then heading to his room. 

Raphael went wide-eyed as he watched. He knew that day. He wanted to close his eyes, to not see, but he couldn’t stop himself as he watched Mikey pour out his heart and soul to the orange cat before pushing the cat out of his room. Tying the knot in his bandana, Mikey stood on his bed and made quick work around the pipe. 

“STOP!” Raph yelled, shaking. “I c... I can’t see that ... not again.” He said, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t want to see that again. 

Renet paused the playback and looked at Raphael. “You have one chance to make it right. If it happens again......” She told them ominously before waving the scepter. 

*~* 

Raphael jumped as he looked up at the ceiling. When did he go to bed? He wondered idly. He vaguely remembered a gathering at Casey’s family farm, but he couldn’t remember why they were there. Standing up slowly, Raphael rubbed his face and groaned, hearing his family rustling around in the lair. Grabbing his gear, Raph headed out the door, pausing in front of Mikey’s door. 

“Hey, Mikey, you up?” He called, knocking on his youngest brothers door. He heard shuffling and waited for him to respond. Raph paused then opened the door, earning a squawk if resentment from his brother. Raph frowned as he watched him gather his sheets. “You okay?” He asked.

“Fine,” Mikey said curtly as he held his sheets to him. 

Raphael blinked and looked at him. “Hey.... can... can I talk to you?” Raph asked, unsure where this sudden gentleness came from, but he let it go, seeing where it went. 

Mikey’s face softened slightly, and he nodded. “Can I put my sheets in the wash first?” Mikey asked softly, heading towards the door. 

“Of course. I’ll walk with you.” Raph said, feeling a sudden need not to leave his brother alone. Walking with him, Raph tried to read his brother. “I ... you haven’t mentioned your Battle Nexus Championship lately....” 

“You guys are getting annoyed with it. So I dropped it.” Mikey said, trying not to let Raph see how upset he was over it. 

“Mike. I don’t say it enough ... or really at all ... but I’m so fucking proud of you for winning that. Especially after the rematch with Kluh.” Raph told him.

“You have a funny way of showing it,” Mikey told him with a sigh. “Why couldn’t you tell me then?”

“I was mad that I lost ... to you of all people. To Don? Leo?”

“You’d still be mad,” Mikey said, scratching his arm lightly, wincing slightly as a scab came off. 

“You got me. But not as mad. Leo is a serious ninja. A fearsome warrior. Don is calculating but can hold his own in a fight. But you ...”

“I suck as a ninja, I know. But I can hold my own too, Raph.” Mikey said a bit upset with the conversation. 

“No. Mikey, you don’t suck.... as a ninja or as anything else,” Raph said, grabbing Mikey’s shoulders and making Mikey look at him. “You can look at a move once and master it. Do you know how ... amazing that is? I wish I could do that.”

“Leo and Papa think that I’m .... ‘wasting my potential’ ...” Mikey sighed. “It would be different if they would figure out a way to incorporate my interests into ninja training. Like they figured out that by letting Don figure out the angles and math stuff that made him so good at figuring out precision. Donnie has the most precision out of all of us.” 

Raph nodded. “And they helped me learn to channel my anger and strength into stealth and power,” Raph said, feeling bad for his brother. “And Leo is a natural leader.”

Mikey sighed and shook his head. “We need to get ready for practice.” He said, heading back to his room, gathering his gear. 

Raph frowned as he saw a flash of red wetness on Mikey’s arm. “Hey, what happened here?” He asked, frowning deeper. 

“N... nothing.” He said, pulling his hand back. 

“Mike, you’re bleeding,” Raph stated as he grabbed his arm again and frowning. “A... are you cutting yourself?” Raph asked, his heart breaking as he saw the multitude of scars on his brother's arm. 

Mikey shook slightly but refused to look at his brother. “I... I have to.” He whispered shamefully. “You guys don’t like it when I’m sad....”

“Oh, Mikey,” Raph said, wrapping his arms around Mikey tightly, shaking. “You’re allowed to be sad, Mike,” Raph said as he felt tears welling up in his eyes. “How long?” He asked him, trying to send Mikey’s heart a message. 

Mikey sniffled and shrugged. “C.. a couple of years.” He admitted, relishing in the warmth from Raph’s body. 

“Mikey ... why didn’t you come to me?” Raph asked, hurt that his younger brother and best friend would keep this from him. 

“Like you would have stopped calling me names.” Mikey huffed slightly, pulling away. “You’d tell me to get over it,” Mikey said, wiping his wet cheeks. 

Raph shook his head. “Mike....” Raph said, looking at his baby brother. “I didn’t know it hurt your feelings. How would I know if you didn’t tell me?” Raph asked him, trying not to get angry. It wouldn’t do either of them any good if he got angry. 

Mikey didn’t answer. Instead, he sat on his bed and stared at the floor, tears streaming down his face. “What about the slaps to the head? Do you know how many times I wanted to beg you to stop? Or the time you nearly beat my skull in with a pipe? Raph, Just admit you’d be better off without me so we can both go on with our lives.” Mikey told him, shaking. He should have known better than to talk to Raph. 

“Mikey....” Raph said, shaking. “What has Dad always told us? Communication is the key to any relationship.”

“We’re not dating, Raphael,” Mikey said coldly. 

“No. We’re not. But we’re brothers. Maybe not by blood, but you’re my baby brother, and I can’t imagine not having you by my side,” Raph said, pouring his heart into what he was telling Mikey. He just hoped Mikey believed him. “How many times have I come to you when you needed it? I got your back just as you got mine.” Raph said, reaching out to touch Mikey’s back, taking a deep breath as he felt Mikey shaking. “I can’t live without you, Mike,” Raph told him, pulling him close and hugging him tightly. “But you need to talk to me when something is going on.” 

“It hurts. Raph... I can’t be weak,” Mikey sobbed into Raph’s body. “I should have followed through weeks ago....” he mumbled, sending a chill down his spine. “Stupid Mikey. Can’t even kill yourself right.” He muttered, causing a chill to pour down Raph’s spine. 

“Mikey?” He whispered. “Please don’t leave me. If you... please .... stop this....” he said, forcing the sea green turtle to look at him. “If you feel the need .... to cut, please, come to me. I’ll help you figure something out,” Raph begged him. He couldn’t lose his brother. 

“D.. don’t tell the others....” Mikey said after a moment of silence. 

“Promise me you won’t cut anymore?” He asked him, holding him close. Mikey didn’t respond outside of sniffles and rubbing his face into Raph’s plastron. “Mike?”

“I’ll try.” The orange banded turtle said softly. “It’s hard, Raph. Knowing I’m not ... “

“Not what?” Raph asked curiously as he rubbed his brother's shell. 

“Not good enough,” Mikey whispered, yawning. The crying had taken a lot out of him. 

Raph sighed softly. “Mikey, you’re good enough, I promise. But I think you need to talk to Dad. Even if you don’t mention this ....” he said, caressing Mike’s scars with his thumbs. “But that you need guidance. And if that doesn’t work, talk to me. I will do everything I can to help you, even if it means sharing a bed to make sure you never feel alone.” Raph promised him. 

Mikey nodded and took a deep breath. “I... I’ll talk to Papa. Wi... will you be there? To support me?” 

“Of course, I will,” Raph told him. “When you’re ready. No rush.” He added. 

Mikey nodded. “I’m sleepy,” he commented, snuggling into Raph. 

“Go ahead and sleep; I won’t leave you,” Raph promised him, holding him close. Mikey nodded and grabbed a blanket, wrapping it around them before snuggling in and falling asleep with Raph. 

*~*

Raph woke up alone, in his room. Frowning, Raph sat up as he realized he was alone. Getting up, Raph rushed over to Mikey’s room, his heart sinking when he didn’t see him in there. Taking a deep breath, Raph closed his eyes and felt his eyes watering when he heard singing in the kitchen below their bedrooms. Moving over to the railing, Raph grinned with tear-filled eyes as he saw his orange banded brother working on breakfast. Sending a quiet ‘thanks’ to Renet, Raph jumped over the railing and went to check on his brother.


End file.
